Article: Michael Bay Rapes Childhood, Fanboys Weep Naked in Corner

As we've all been discussing this new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, J.G. Barnes weighs in with his opinion on the matter:

Holy shit! Michael Bay is raping our childhood...again! Cue every fanboy dipshit with a keyboard to start whining like little entitled slobbering babies! "The Ninja Turtles are NOT aliens! How dare you!" Look, I realize it hurts to see something you grew up with take on some changes and evolve, but creative properties HAVE BEEN DOING THAT FOREVER! How many iterations of Batman have there been? Superman? The X-men? Imagine where we would be if nothing ever changed. Could you imagine how silly this crap would be today? Imagine if Batman NEVER changed since it began. Imagine how ludicrously silly Batman would be nowadays.

I hate to break it to ya idiots, but guess what? The Ninja Turtles sucked. That's right! So did Transformers! It all sucked. None of these shows were any good. They weren't meant to be good. Ever. They were meant strictly and specifically to get you to hang off your moms labia until she bought you the fucking Technodrome just so you could lose all the parts, roll it down your stairs, and watch your little brother pee on it. GASP! No way! My favorite TV shows were only meant to sell me toys!? No, I don't believe it! Yeah, you can toss out clueless attacks against Hollywood or Michael Bay all day/night about ruining our childhood, but I'm gonna have to write you one big reality check: the TV shows and toys we grew up with are based just as much -- or more so -- on good ol' marketing and deception than any of the crap we have now.

Ya know why almost EVERY first generation Transformer character died in the 1986 animated film? It wasn't to elicit tears and tell a moving story of triumph and defeat, it was to sell you MORE toys, you blubbering morons. This is a fact. A cold hard childhood destroying fact.
That's right. They murdered all of your favorite characters just to make more money.

Now, cool it, everybody. I love Ninja Turtles, Transformers, Voltron, all that noise. I love it. Those shows, amongst many many others shaped an embarrassing percentage of who I am today. They mean something more to me than JUST a show or JUST toys. For me, they've all inspired almost every piece of art I create to this day both in small and large ways. But I'm not a delusional crybaby fanboy. GOD I hate fanboys. Wow, do I ever hate fanboys.

If you haven't tucked yourself under a warm heaping stack of blind nostalgia, any rational person could go back and see how objectively awful all these shows were. The animation is garbage. There is almost zero continuity. The stories are essentially products of pulling as much out of your ass as possible and drawing lines in the pile and calling the separated sections "episodes." And these so-called episodes are quite literally just extended commercials for toys interspersed with commercial breaks...FOR MORE FUCKING TOYS!

Well, here's my point. Yeah, this stuff was cool. WHEN WE WERE EIGHT YEARS OLD! I still love this stuff. I still got the shirts. I still have the posters. I still even have the toys. But dude, you people need to chill the fuck out. So what if the new Ninja Turtles are aliens? Is that REALLY that big of a deal? Really?!
Maybe Batman should not have ran away with ninjas and trained under Liam Neeson? I wonder what Detective Comics would have to say about that radical blasphemy.

Things change. They're allowed to. In fact, they SHOULD change. Just because they change doesn't mean that Michael Bay is gonna go back in time and insert a cartoon version of himself buttfucking April O'Neil in the background of every frame of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The shitty show and the cheesy movies are all still there! They will always be there for you to enjoy. And it will be just as bad as it was when you were too dumb to know what's actually good. No one's childhood is getting ruined. I don't even know what in the hell that means. If you like that crap so much, go watch it for crying out loud! Michael Bay isn't holding a gun to your head saying, "Look, see all this shit?! Yeah, it's mine now! You will never see your precious Ninja Turtles again! HAHahAHAhahAha!"

Let me let you in on a little secret. The ORIGINAL Ninja Turtles. The REAL TRUE Ninja Turtles were not anything like the ooey gooey squishy cutesy TV show either, folks. I hate to break it to ya, but how the Turtles started is most certainly NOT where it ended up. Where's the respect for those fans? What makes YOUR Turtles more important than THEIR Turtles? The Ninja Turtles aren't yours. That stuff doesn't belong to you. You didn't create it. Most of you losers couldn't even come up with a tenth of this crap that Hollywood molds for you out of their own shit. All you know how to do is complain. You don't know why. Hardly any of you have a rational reason for your incessant whining nor would you have any clue what a better idea is even if you caught one taking a dump on your copy of Secret of the Ooze.

The one common trait shared by all you whiney little shitheads is that even when one of you thinks they've come up with some brilliant revolutionary solution to a folly in a Hollywood script, it's some of the most inanely retarded shit I've ever heard. And right there to support your babbling idiocy are those mongoloids who pat you on the back and circle jerk each other in fan fiction forums thinking that their ridiculous ideas are worth a damn. Trust me. I've been to these places...and the shit I've seen...

And does anyone realize Michael Bay is neither writing nor directing Ninja Turtles? You all know this, right? I know he's an easy target, but at least focus your nerd assault on the right people and maybe you'll be heard. Probably not. But at least you'd look slightly less dumb. Maybe not that either, actually.

I can't WAIT to see ALIEN Ninja Turtles. I can't wait. I'm gonna be there day one in the theater with a tub of popcorn in the shape of a bass drum and a bathtub full of Cherry Pepsi with a grin on my face the size of a mother fucking crescent moon. I want to see something new. Something fresh. Why just rehash what we've seen before?! What in the world is the point of that? I've seen that hundreds of times before in hundreds of episodes and half a dozen movies. It's all been done already. It's time for something new. It needs to be refreshed for a new generation of kids to grow up with and love. It's not about us anymore. It never was in the first place, but holy hell you need to grow up and let some other children have some fun.