Everyone needs to calm the fuck down with this unreasonably huge Christopher Nolan boner that every man, woman, and child are lugging around with them.
I wouldn't go so far as to say Mr. Nolan sucks. In fact, he doesn't. He is a perfectly competent film maker, but one of the -- if not the single most -- irrationally praised directors of our time. There's always that one guy that's like, "Thundercats?! Just let Nolan do it," as if Christopher Nolan is literally the only possible choice if you want to make a good movie anymore.
People who say Nolan is a genius or "smart" film maker are like the children who graduate middle school and upon entering the 9th grade can't believe how fucking cool they think they are. Listen up, ass for brains, I know you think the dude is a film making God -- I'm-a let you finish -- but you fuckers act as if good movies didn't exist until this guy showed up and turned Batman into a whiny douchebag driving a pile of glued together Triominos and made two dudes vigorously hug each other in a spinning room.
Inception is one of those deceptively inane films that tricks you into thinking it is much smarter than it actually is. Hell, I was one of those glassy-eyed dullards who left the theater thinking it was pretty neat-o, that is, until further inspection. I've forced myself through the film three times now and have confirmed Christopher Nolan dishes out some of the most dull, clinical, and utterly plain box office successes ever released. The fact that his films are so darn successful is somewhat of a conundrum in the day and age of over-the-top fun, but incredibly stupid popcorn fodder like Transformers or on the more intelligent flip-side, Avengers. His films don't fit. Their success might only be due to the fact that they're a breath of fresh, yet terribly stale air, and the American audiences might just be getting desperate for anything that isn't the aforementioned more colorful and loud alternatives.
Let me return to Inception and explain just why it's so overrated. Inception is like the dorky four-eyed comic geek that only looks smart because he's dressed nice and wears glasses. Once you shake hands and introduce yourself you realize he's just as stupid as you are and smells like dust and old people farts. When you dig through and translate all the complex blabber that Inception is loaded with and tear away the veil, there's literally nothing underneath. There is no heart, the characters are as rich and deep as a sheet of construction paper, the action scenes have no visceral energy, and the whole thing feels so shamelessly passionless and insipid. Nolan's films are as dry as desert sand and it boggles my mind that he gets the praise he does. Inception is at least original. I'll give the guy that, but it's essentially four mediocre action films chopped into pieces and randomly pasted back together and the mess that appears on-screen is somehow considered genius just because it's complex.
Inception is just OK.
"So, then -- Batman. Dude, Dark Knight. Come on! Dark Knight is like one of the best comic book films ever, right?"
No. No, it's not.
His Batman films are also "just OK." Let me start with Batman Begins. I used to hate every moment of that film and after seeing it the first time, I trashed it left and right until it couldn't sit down to shit or pee straight. I've seen Batman Begins about five or six times now, maybe more, honestly. I've finally confessed that it's not terrible, it's "just OK." Everything leading up to Bruce donning the Bat-suit is actually pretty damn well done. Not genius. Not exceptional. But pretty damn good stuff. It's still not quite Batman enough, but it's intriguing.
Then the idiot puts on the Bat-suit and it becomes laughably bad with totally incoherent action scenes, ridiculous one-liners, and horrendously cheesy dialogue like these slices of taint...
Jim Gordon: I'll get my car.
Batman's Stupid Fucking Voice: I brought mine.
Jim Gordon: Yours?
[Megatron takes a shit right in front of him]
Jim Gordon: I've got to get me one of those.
Really? Come on, now. How about this excrement...?
Batman's Stupid Fucking Voice: Falcone sent them to kill you.
Crooked Face Dawes: Why?
Batman's Stupid Fucking Voice: You rattled his cage. [photos shoot out of his dick]
Crooked Face Dawes: What's this?
Batman's Stupid Fucking Voice: Leverage.
Crooked Face Dawes: For what?
Batman's Stupid Fucking Voice: To get things moving.
Crooked Face Dawes: Who are you?
Batman's Stupid Fucking Voice: Someone like you. Someone who'll rattle the cages.
This is the tripe that they put in early 90's straight-to-video action sequels that were too embarrassing to put in a theater. I guess it wouldn't be so unbearable if Batman didn't sound like he was gargling Nolan's testicles, but then again, that still wouldn't change the fact that Stephen Seagal could write this shit with a pencil stuck in his butthole.
Dark Knight is a LITTLE better than Begins, and Nolan at least accidentally trips over some of the intensely thought provoking psychological and moral themes that have been part of the Batman graphic novels...since thirty fucking years ago! It's so sad to me that it's looking like I might die before I see a
respectable Batman film that already has its foundation built by far better writers from three decades prior and yet Hollywood STILL doesn't have the balls to make it happen. Dude, the foundation is already there; the house is nearly built for you. We just need a film maker and a studio that aren't arrogant shit heads who think they can somehow do it better than the people who have tirelessly perfected the Batman universe over so many long years jam-packed with brilliant stories; the very basic elements of which have rarely made it to the big screen.
Batman lives in a world that is a truly grim, terrifying, and twisted place. Nolan hasn't made a "dark" Batman film yet as much as you ignoramuses keep throwing around the adjective. They're just not very comical and happen to look mind-rottingly drab. That doesn't mean "dark." It means boring and uninspired. The director we need is someone like Fincher. Batman needs to be put in a world like Se7en, solving the mystery of the fat dude with his intestines in a bucket. The real Batman universe is not pretty. It's actually quite freakin disturbing. It's not the Aggro Crag on wheels skipping across rooftops like a remote control rock. It's not doofy donut harvesting cops running themselves off the road like soccer moms riding go-karts. It's not a crying vagina passing itself off as Bruce Wayne whining about how badly he doesn't want to be the ONLY FUCKING THING THE CHARACTER WAS CREATED FOR!
The real Batman universe deals with the worst, most sadistic and insane criminals you could possibly imagine in your wildest nightmares. These should be borderline horror films. Look, I get it. You have to appeal to the masses to sell films like this. I truly understand this better than most. You can do a lot with a PG-13 rating and still show a lot of nasty, twisted, and exciting stuff. It happens all the time. Every year we have dozens of movies packed with dark, mature content that doesn't need to get too lewd or violent to be genuinely thrilling. Batman films should be deeply psychological detective thrillers with terrifying mysteries and intricate philosophical dilemmas that invite you to think in ways that question your own moral compass. Nolan's films just barely scratch this surface because the guy has zero balls after Christian Bale apparently swallowed them as part of his method acting routine. The action needs to have nail-biting suspense with explosions of brutal and swift melee encounters like in the Bourne Ultimatum. Batman is supposed to be a scary and towering ultimate bad ass that should be able to dispense of foes with a chilling efficiency and wicked ass gadgets like Jason Bourne trapped in the body of the fucking Predator!
Nolan is like the best student film maker in the class who happens to have a rich dad and gets to play with the big-boy budgets. His films are note for note copied from the How-to Guide for Making Mildly Entertaining Movies and he doesn't have the balls to stray from the formula. Inception and Memento are the exceptions, but even so, once the ball of yarn has been untangled, all you have is a handful of yarn. It might have asked a lot of your mental faculties to unravel it, but it's just yarn. There's nothing special that's wrapped within the knot.
It's just a knot.
His films feel too institutional; too controlled, and lack that off-the-cuff jazz that makes better film makers far more fascinating and remarkable. There are worse film makers than Christopher Nolan. Far
worse. But he is all but the infallible mastermind that every single thing on two legs thinks he is. We need a better Batman saga and we need more film makers with some real guts and hairy nuts. Nolan is just a robot designed by Hollywood big shots to make the safest film possible without coming too close to crossing the line.
-J.G. Barnes