photo 91bfc85f-f2f5-4104-bf1d-3eb48a30ca4a_zpsff012ab5.jpg Cinematic Releases: Evil Dead

In order for a film to be "terrifying" as they explicitly advertise the film as you must have relatable characters that aren't mentally deficient walking sacks of stupidity. These characters persistently repeat their idiocy to such redundant extremes that it robs the film of having any ounce of intensity. I was part of an audience tonight who I guarantee would agree with me as I was surrounded by groans, and mumblings of dissent and ridicule. This Evil Dead left myself and the theater patrons lukewarm with disappointment.

From the moment we are introduced to the main cast, I held tightly to my faith that once these horribly directed actors stopped talking and started dying that it would become tolerable and I could sit back and just enjoy some well-crafted death sequences. There were moments where I felt it -- where I felt the twinge in the depths of my ball sack where excitement is born, only to have my near arousal get shit on by horror cliches that were old twenty years ago. Really? Do you really expect an audience to fall for the same tricks, and the same uninspired shock we've been saturated in for the last thirty years?

This remake offers virtually nothing to set itself apart from any other horror film these days or once upon a time. There is nothing memorable or unique in the slightest.  Morons go out to the middle of nowhere. Morons do absolutely brainless shit to make their situation worse. Morons repeat brainless shit to ensure their situation never improves. Morons die. Somehow, though, these morons who have no common sense survived Darwinian evolution by having the ability to endure severe physical trauma without their bodies caving from shock or exhaustion, or the obligatory miracle limbs that despite having been nearly destroyed by garage tools are still functional enough to complete convenient tasks that either save them for a few more minutes of torturously ordinary genre staples or get them into more dumb shit.

Give me a break.

This movie sucks and I'm somewhat regretting that I won't give it our worst score because despite some moments -- and I stress the words "moments" -- having potential, it only feels insulting as part of the whole to have maybe five total minutes of the film be good and the rest of it a thorough waste of time and money for both the production and as a movie-goer.

I'm not one of those Evil Dead fanatics that needs Ash, classic visual effects, and especially the over-the-top camp of the sequels. I get it. I know where its roots are. So, save it, please. I kept my expectations in check. I wasn't expecting a masterpiece or a new genre-defining legend. This Evil Dead remake just looks like the comeback album of a geriatric rock & roll band. Give it up already.

- J.G. Barnes

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