Stitches is a shockingly boring film. I don't even mind that the acting can sometimes take a dip down into amateur territory along with the cinematography, but the writing is as entirely uninteresting as the characters and their relationships. It's so boring, in fact, that even when the film clearly goes far out of its way for the sole sake of shock value, it comes off as merely contrived at best. I love violence. I love ridiculous, over-the-top, stupidly gory violence, but this is just plain insulting.
Even the English aren't immune to succumbing to cheap jump scares. I thought they were better than this? The film is loaded with American teenage-horror cliches of a decade ago. And when it tries to lift itself out of its ultra-serious grave, the comic relief is... where now? I'm actually not even sure if they're trying to be funny or not. The "jokes," if that's what they're going for, aren't funny in the slightest.
Maybe I'm being too harsh, so instead of giving this film our lowest score, I'll be generous and knock it up a notch if only because this is clearly a film made my people who probably enjoyed themselves a lot making up the goofiest ways to kill teenagers possible -- but so what, really? There's like a grand total of ten minutes worth watching out of this hour-and-a-half-long test of my patience.
Watch this high. Like, really high, and it might actually become entertaining... or you'll fall asleep, hopefully, before the horrible ending.
- J.G. Barnes