The Movie Sleuth's Ten Worst Movies Of 2013

Here's The Movie Sleuth's Ten Worst Movies of 2013. Bash at will. 


"Okay. Okay. I know. It's really
really bad"
10. The Counselor
Ridley Scott's latest was a dire effort on the part of the legendary director. The Counselor looked like a promising character study but turned out to be a boring, uninspired film of epic proportions. To stay awake during this film was a task unto itself. The pedigreed cast was absolutely wasted on a movie that had no focus and lacked the elements that make most of Scott's other films so noteworthy. Every time it seemed like something major was going to happen, it nodded back off into a dreary unfocused piece of film making. Fassbender, Pitt, and Bardem couldn't save this one from being one of the worst of 2013.

9. Kick Ass 2
The first Kick Ass was a breath of fresh air. It came at a time when comic book movies needed a new direction, more blood and a humorous outlook. After the first Kick Ass flopped at theaters, it came as a shock that the second got a green light. But it did awesome on the home video market, so the studio gave it a pass. Kick Ass 2 turned out to be one of the biggest flops of the year and a movie that would do nothing but piss off fans of the original. Everything that made Kick Ass such a stand out was left behind while a replacement director turned in an action film that doesn't start kicking ass until the last twenty five minutes. Kick Ass 2 is the perfect specimen of exactly how to kill a promising franchise while nearly destroying the legacy of the original. 

8. Riddick
"Do these glasses
look okay on me?"
David Twohy needs to learn when its time to hang it up. The first Pitch Black was a simple but action packed flick that made a star out of Vin Diesel and changed what people would accept as good sci-fi. The first was a low budget affair that made great use of lighting and minimal effects. Viewers were introduced to a new type of character and creatures of the dark on the prowl for blood. The Chronicles of Riddick changed that. It went overboard with a high brow story that was too different from the original and set a new low standard for continuity of characters. After that major flop, Twohy swore he'd give fans something more along the lines of the original. He found the funding and made Riddick (what an original name). Sadly, Riddick was nothing more than a heartless retread of Pitch Black that went too far with bad CGI and a story my six year old could write. And what was with the alien dog?

7. GI Joe: Retaliation
The first GI Joe film was a franchise cash grab that brought us Channing Tatum in his first action role. Was it dumb? Absolutely. Was it a guilty pleasure for those that grew up watching the animated show? Sure. But overall it was a mess of a movie that wrecked the character of Cobra Commander and made the Joe's little more than pretty boys with guns. Well, Retaliation is much worse. The movie is a constant string of timeline issues and wasted core characters. Dude. You just killed Duke in the second movie? Huh? He's the one mainstay of the whole franchise and you just offed him in the first ten minutes. This is a franchise that could have endless films and the choice you made was to get rid of Duke in the second movie? I don't get it. This was done to gain some emotional effect from the viewer. But, it just came off as a ploy to put Dwayne Johnson in the main role while Tatum distances himself from this set of films. 

"Wow. Disney has really changed!"
6. The Canyons
Did someone say Lindsay Lohan naked? Gross. Just like American Psycho, The Canyons is based on a Bret Easton Ellis story. Well, you know what they say? Not all are created equal. The Canyons is a pointless character study that stars Lohan in her "comeback" role. If this is what a comeback looks like, please tell me to fade away silently. Apparently Paul Schrader has lost the knack for making good films and is now directing low budget tripe with porn stars and former Disney kids. I don't even need to expand on why this film is so bad. Just stay far away. It's dreadful. 

5. After Earth
Will Smith continues to force feed the public his son's terrible acting in a movie that is mostly devoid of plot while violently jamming religious undertones down the audience's throat. But most of the blame can be placed on one time golden boy M. Night Shyamalan. As a director, he's forgotten how to draw believable human emotions from his actors. This has been a ongoing trend since his release of Signs (his last good film). After Earth was one of the worst movies of the summer and totally bombed with good reason. Despite some decent effects, After Earth is bad sci fi with no heart and a predictable story.

4. Paranoia
"My brother went to Asgard
and all I got was this lousy suit." 
Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford star in a movie loaded with every typical plot point of the last twenty years. Reminiscent of several other technology based thrillers, Paranoia came and went in an instant. If anything, this movie could serve as the final nail in the occupational coffin of Liam Hemsworth. No one could complain about that. The man can't act much less carry his weight against name stars like Oldman and Ford. Amber Heard also starred but was given very little leeway other than to stand there and look pretty. But, I guess she's Amber Heard. Can she do much else? I was shocked and saddened to see Gary Oldman and Ford in this movie. Neither of them were given enough screen time or the chance to improve upon the weak script.

3. Getaway
There were two times I wanted to walk out of the theater this year. The first was Getaway. It's a nonsensical ninety minute car chase that never relents in its terrible use of Ethan Hawke. Also, we get Jon Voight starring as The Voice. Answer me this. Why cast Voight if he's going to star as The Voice? This man can play evil with the best of them. Put him to use. Or better yet, just don't make this movie. Getaway asked me to believe that a 17 year old girl knew how to hack computer systems with her iPad and rig the power grid of an entire city while she's being chased and shot at. Sure. 

2. The Hangover III
The Hangover III claims to be a comedy but it isn't. It's a mysterious piece of divisive freak pop culture that audiences flocked to and simple minded tools actually laughed at. If you have John Goodman in your employ and you can't engage me to laugh one single time, we know Houston has a major problem. This ship is going down in flames. The Hangover III goes from dark to darker to darkest in a depressing film about an emotionally challenged Alan and his unlikable yet dedicated friends. This was the second time I wanted to leave the theater this year. If there is a god, can he please make it stop? The first Hangover is a modern classic. It's time to leave well enough alone. 

"That rug really tied
the room together."
1. RIPD
Have you ever seen the Men in Black movies? Yes? Okay. Go watch them again. Now you've seen RIPD. The saddest thing about this movie is that Ryan Reynolds and Jeff Bridges accepted these roles. While Reynolds has been battling to regain his status since Green Lantern, Bridges is still a respected and admired member of the Hollywood elite. In all honesty, RIPD is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The computer generation is terrible, the story is predictable and played out, the use of Kevin Bacon wasted, and it's just an absolute retread of MIB. Yes, I know it was a comic book before a movie. Either way, we've seen it all before and its not any easier to swallow this time. 

6 comments :

  1. Kick Ass 2 was SUCH a let down. By the tenth speech about "being yourself," I wished it was over. But it was only a half hour in.

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    1. the jim carrey role coulda been played by anyone else imo

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    2. I had no idea that was him until after the movie.

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  2. no wonder kevin spacey turned down 'paranoia '

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  3. Yes, it was terrible all the way. Thanks for reading.

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  4. RIPD was so bad i think there was a message on my voicemail sayin that i won a part in the movie

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