Michael Bay and his band of transforming planetary refugees battle it out at the box office this weekend. Find out what JG thought of this latest installment.
|"Argh! I hate humans|
so much! They're soooo
Michael Bay must be having a go at us. It's almost as if he's now deliberately trying to make the worst possible Transformers film to test just how far you could go before Paramount decides it has any shred of dignity left. How far can he go before audiences stop lapping up this sludge and throwing their wallets at the screen?
I have to admit, I'm part of the problem. I paid to see this. I also paid to see the other three films and bought them all on blu-ray. In my defense, I know full well that they are pretty bad films, but I appreciate them from a purely technical perspective. The sound design is immaculate, the visual effects are spectacular, there are typically a few dozen shots that I really adore, even some—some—of the comic relief is genuinely funny to me. Even through the absurd mess of a plot, I have always found several elements I can enjoy on a selfish level. Age of Extinction had almost nothing redeemable to me.
Somehow they managed to waste the talents of one of my favorite young comedians, T.J. Miller. I've seen him perform at Zanies Comedy Club in Chicago and have been a fan ever since. Fortunately, I had the chance to meet the guy a few years back and he's as equally charming on stage as he is off the stage. It seemed that Michael Bay wanted nothing to do with neither his charm nor wit and the character was given virtually zilch to work with.
|"Hi, I'm Stanley Tucci. I'm an amazing actor who carries around|
a plot device in this movie."
The only thing more useless in this film is her boyfriend played by a pretty-faced douche bag. I'd rather listen to Shia Labeouf scream "No" on loop for three straight hours.
Speaking of characters—what are those? How do they work? The core family plot is tacked on tripe with no reason to care whatsoever for any character for any reason for any amount of time. For action to be "intense" there has to be a reason for its intensity. There has to be something fueling it. There has to be a reason for us to not want to see our lead characters die. There has to be a reason why we don't want them in danger. There has to be a strong purpose for them to not be dead. I wished all these idiots would have died an hour into this drawn out test of my patience. The more time they spent not being dead, was more time wasted watching them yell at each other inside of cars.
|Related: Win the|
How is the inclusion of a line like that not a clear indication that Michael Bay thinks we're all complete morons?
It doesn't end there, folks. The writing is appalling from beginning to end. No matter how you feel about Bayformers, Optimus Prime has always been the ultimate soldier. He's as honorable of a patriot and warrior as they come. He has always been a character I've looked up to growing up. He's been a role model for the respect all living things deserve. For whatever reason, the 12 year-old Ehren Kruger figured that's kinda dumb. How about, for no good reason, Optimus Prime is, like, a vengeful, bloodthirsty, savage? Yeah! That makes complete sense! He's only been fighting an ongoing war on a distant super-advanced planet for his entire existence facing off against gigantic, brutally vicious robot warriors, and a few primitive flesh bags on a small insignificant planet are what inspire a Prime (only the most distinguished, and classy combatants of his entire race) to throw everything he's ever believed in out the window and start murdering human beings. Seriously, Ehren Kruger? You get paid for this?
|"Daddy, life is so unfair!!! I got paid for this."|
|"Alright, Grimlock. You got less than ten minutes to bite stuff! Go!"|
|Bumblebee was totally|
hitting on Michelle.
What a perv!
Do not—I beg of you—waste your time with this film. For the love of our children. For the love of education and goodness around the world, please, do not give them any more money. No sacrifice, no victory. You have to do what's right. Not only is this the worst film I've seen all year, it is by far the worst Transformers anything that has ever been made, and the very worst film Michael Bay will hopefully ever make.