31 Days of Hell Bonus: All The Nights He Came Home - The Original Halloween Series and Rob Zombie Movies - Reviewed
The legacy of John Carpenter's Halloween
needs no introduction, but in the spirit of the holiday, let's give it one. The
film was released in 1978 to a lukewarm reception… at first. Unbeknownst to its
own director, the word of mouth and critical praise was slowly piling on.
Siskel and Ebert gushed over the film with 4 star reviews, audiences everywhere
started going crazy for it, and before John Carpenter could even sign his film
deal with Avco Embassy (a deal which gave us another genre classic, The Fog),
Halloween was the highest grossing independent film of its time,
bringing in $75 million on a $300,000 budget.
Ever since then, a slew of sequels and
imitators have been released, seeming hellbent to destroy the legacy of this
enduring classic by over-explaining and over-complicating a beautifully simple
story that carries an elemental root of horror in its bones: Evil never dies.
Neither does Hollywood greed. With that being said, let's take a look at the
decalog of films that have come to define this time of year, now all available
in a terrific 15-disc blu-ray box set from Shout Factory.
Donald Pleasance plays Dr. Sam Loomis, the
psychologist who makes Michael Myers his life’s work after Michael murders his
sister Judith with a huge butcher knife at the tender age of 6. Fifteen years
later, Loomis is determined to keep him locked up for the safety of the world
when Michael breaks free, heads back to his home town, and after a quick stop
off at a convenience store, decides that William Shatner masks are the bomb.
His trick or treat route takes him to two adjacent homes occupied by Laurie
Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Annie Brackett (Nancy Loomis), where he
stealthily lurks about in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to
strike. This leads to some of the most iconic imagery and macabre scenarios in
the history of the horror genre, elements that other slasher flicks continue to
imitate to this day.
The key to Halloween’s endurance in
our collective consciousness could be traced to its formula—the masked silent
killer who stalks and kills (sometimes likable) young people. It’s really so
basic and user friendly that it’s been re-dressed and re-packaged as “new” a
million times over. Just between the Friday the 13th series and the
various knockoffs like Terror Train, we’ve seen this exploited every
which way but loose, and even then, there’s enough sex going on in these films
for that term to apply as well.
10/10
Halloween II (1981, directed by
Rick Rosenthal):
This is where I tick a lot of people off, because I’m going to get right to it:
This is not a good movie. In fact, I submit that the only reason this remains
beloved is because it was followed by Season of the Witch. On the
surface, Halloween II looks and feels like a necessary sequel. It has the same
atmospheric look, the same actors, the same music; it even takes place on the
same night, and brings the story to what should have been a logical conclusion.
So why is it bad? To put it simply, because this is a Halloween film
trying to be like all the other 80s slasher films that were trying to be like Halloween.
After surviving the wrath of Captain Kirk,
Laurie is taken in an ambulance by a couple of paramedics to a practically
vacant hospital, where she remains sedated and off screen for over two-thirds
of the film’s run time. All the while, Donald Pleasance runs around on various
wild goose chases, given one or two scenes to remind us why the speech he gave
in the first film will always be a better two minutes of film than anything we
see here. Especially while we are being subjected to a prolonged scene of this
rotisserie rent-a-cop flicking the pad locks off of store rooms in a vain
attempt at creating suspense. We can plainly see it’s not physically possible
for anyone to be in those rooms, so is the concession stand still open? I
require more sugar for my attention deficit disorder that I didn’t have prior
to sitting down to watch this.
For what it’s worth, the actors all seem
pretty game for the material, what little it gives them to work with. While the
characters in the original were likable individuals, the script for Halloween
II reduces them to idiotic slasher archetypes who all received better
treatment and more character development in the deleted scenes added back in
the television version. Add to that the numerous logistical loopholes, not the
least of which involves Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) actually remembering going to
visit Michael Myers in the institution before the “stunning reveal” at the end
that they are siblings. The real razor in your Butterfinger is Dick Warlock’s
profoundly awful portrayal of Michael Myers. This man walks slower than the
speed of smell—it wouldn’t surprise me if you caught a whiff of this turd of a
performance when it was still down the empty hall. He. Sucks. And so does this
movie.
5/10
Halloween III (1982, directed by
Tommy Lee Wallace):
We’ve already touched on this film in our list of Third Chapter Disasters, so
needless to say, the third time was not the charm here. Season of the Witch
is reviled by average filmgoers for one simple reason, and that’s the absence
of Michael Myers, made all the more perplexing because the first two films in
the series told the same story. So only one year after Michael Myers burned to
a crisp, we got what was supposed to be the first in an ongoing anthology
series, telling a different Halloween-themed story every year. As you no doubt
have guessed, that idea sputtered out like a balloon fart.
Instead of Laurie Strode and Dr. Loomis, we
get Dan Challis (rhymes with phallus), played by Tom Atkins, and Ellie
Grimbridge (Stacey Nelkin). They’re introduced after Ellie’s dad gets his nose
snapped like a Milk Bone by a dude I can only describe as a Nazi Pee Wee
Herman, who then proceeds to douce himself in gas before doing his best Human
Torch impression. Instead of leaving well enough alone, Dan and Ellie decide to
play Shaggy and Scooby, going on a road trip to a small town where they plan to
hold up in a motel and solve the mystery of her father’s murder in between
creepy daddy issue-fueled sexcapades.
All Michael issues aside, the film taken on
its own merits is just friggin’ weird. They discover this corporate mastermind
played by Dan O’Herilhy is using his mask-making factory to enact a mass
sacrifice of children so he can return Halloween to its sacrificial roots.
Okay… why? So we can have a scene that actually tells us how to pronounce
Samhain correctly? Or perhaps it’s to break one of the cardinal rules of making
a bad movie: Never EVER put another film on screen that’s better than the one
we’re watching. In this case, it’s the original Halloween. I wish I was
kidding. Top it all off with the most ball-crushingly annoying commercial
jingle ever written, and you have a singularly insufferable experience. This
movie may have Halloween in its title, but it owes more to bad James
Bond movies than it does John Carpenter, even if he did provide the score for
this film, which is its one saving grace.
2/10
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael
Myers
(1988, directed by Dwight H. Little): After fans drank copious amounts of alcohol
to wash the memory of Halloween III down the drain, Moustapha Akkad
(financier of the original) bought the rights back to the series from
Universal, and decided to resurrect Michael Myers for his ten year anniversary.
Knowing exactly what Michael’s condition was in the fiery bowels of that
hospital at the end of part two, you know going into a film like this that a lot
of logical concessions will have to be made. After all, how the hell could
anyone survive an explosion like that? Oh wait, Donald Pleasance made it out,
too? We’re just going to ignore that and move on.
So what could possibly be so stirring as to
awaken Michael out of a decade-long coma? Well, sometime in the last ten years,
his sister Laurie got knocked up and shat out Danielle Harris, and for that, we
are most certainly grateful. Oh, and then she died in a car accident along with
her husband, leaving Jamie (how clever) in the care of the Carruthers family.
Michael doesn’t take too kindly to the news that he has a young niece, so he
decides to spring back into action with a new mask that looks like the Shatner
mask from the original had a stroke, and is now frozen in a permanent derp
face. Dr. Loomis sees all this coming, and hobbles briskly on his cane back to
Haddonfield to enlist the help of the new sheriff (Beau Starr), whose daughter
provides three of the films best visual moments—and yes, two of those are her
boobs. True, they’re only seen swinging from the back, but that’s the best part
of any horror movie: Using your imagination.
Where the last two films failed in the
character department, Halloween 4 is filled with many likable, well-written
characters whose motivations are fleshed out and make sense. Danielle Harris in
particular is fantastic, giving the best child performance in a horror film
next to Linda Blair in The Exorcist. The cinematography and atmosphere
are top notch, the direction is stylish, and the kills are creative. Most of
all, though, this feels like Halloween, and it’s damn good. If you can
overlook all of the logical fallacies that come hard-wired with bringing things
back to the status quo, this is—far and away, hands down—the very best of the Halloween
sequels.
8/10
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael
Myers
(1989, directed by Dominique Othenin-Girard): With The Return of Michael Myers
being a smash hit with both audiences and critics, producer Paul Freeman had
another round in the chamber as quick as possible to fire off another sequel. Halloween
5 (no subtitle on the film’s actual title screen) was released barely a
year later… and it shows. This film feels rushed from the first frame, as if
the screenplay was still in the preliminary stages when they began shooting,
and no one took a moment to read it and say to themselves, “You know, aside
from Jamie, the characters in this movie are total assholes.”
That’s where Halloween 5 shoots
itself in the foot. Our lovely first-time director dispenses with one lovable
protagonist from the last film, only to leave us with new characters that are
shrill, annoying, and never stop pranking each other. This leads to several
scenes of false jump scares, followed by screaming and laughing that comes from
everyone but the audience. I remember loving this movie when I was a kid. As
I’ve grown older, I’ve found myself rooting for Michael to slice and dice these
jerk-offs like a hibachi chef at Beni-f**king-hana. This is the closest the
series comes to dipping below that waterline of the worst Friday the 13th
films.
In regards to story, Michael is still just
after Jamie. The end of part 4 introduced a promising story thread of a
potential psychic link between niece and uncle, which is only utilized briefly
in the opening scenes, and then promptly forgotten as soon as it’s no longer
convenient for the plot. Instead, we get a new faceless character we know only
as the Man in Black (not to be confused with Tommy Lee Jones or Will Smith), who
arrives on a bus in town with one purpose: To skulk pointlessly in the shadows
until the film’s abrupt twist finale, which functions only to leave things open
for another sequel. Oh, and they share a similar tattoo on the inner side of
their right wrist… but they left that for another creative team to explain, and
it would be another six years before anyone even attempted to clean up the
mess.
4/10
Halloween: The Curse of Michael
Myers
(1995, directed by Joe Chappelle): If only this was Chappelle’s Show
instead of Joe Chappelle’s show. At least then it would’ve been funny on
purpose. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers not only brings it full
circle with all the Pink Panther titles (Return, Revenge, and Curse),
but it also introduced the world to Paul Rudd, and my favorite Halloween-themed
drinking game. It’s kind of like Waterfall; you have to keep drinking for as
long as it takes Paul Rudd to blink while he’s on screen. There is not even a
hint of the talent we would come to know from Rudd evident on screen here. His
performance as Tommy Doyle, the grown up version of the little boy Laurie
babysat in the original, is the stuff of piss-poor legend. Our first glimpse of
him is as a peeping tom, spying on our female lead in her underwear. That’s a
great start, right? Worked for George McFly.
Then we have the screenplay by Daniel
Farrands, which has the unenviable job of explaining all of that enigmatic crap
in Halloween 5, like the symbol of Thorn on Michael’s wrist and the
mysterious Man in Black. Maybe the first draft did a better job of this, but no
less than eleven drafts later, the explanation we got was less than
satisfactory. In fact, it almost makes you wish you were watching Halloween
III. Almost. It begins by killing off Jamie (not played by Danielle Harris
this time) after she gives birth to the next twig in Michael’s family tree, and
since the infamous “curse of Thorn” is to kill off his whole bloodline… but
Jamie was being held captive in the same place as Michael for the last six
years… but the Producer’s Cut includes an explanation of the baby’s parentage
that makes even less sense… You can see where this is going.
Suffice it to say, this film pulls out all
the stops in its quest to burn down John Carpenter’s legacy and bury the ashes
in a litter box. It takes the idea of “Michael Myers, evil incarnate”, and
reduces him to “Michael Myers, pawn of a sadistic cult with motives so bass
ackwards and illogical that it gave me clinical depression”. Whether you’re
watching the infamous Producer’s Cut (pristinely restored for this blu-ray
release), or the theatrical version with its third act re-written by Joe
Chappelle, there is no denying it: Halloween 6 is an atrocious mess. If
you asked me, gun to my head, which version was better, I would say the
Producer’s Cut feels more like a Halloween film. There are scenes where
the original score submitted by Alan Howarth combine with some impressive
visuals to strike a note that truly takes us back to the level of majesty
achieved by Carpenter’s work, but there is nothing on this planet that could
have saved this script.
Producer’s Cut: 5/10, Theatrical Cut: 3/10
Halloween: 20 Years Later (1998, directed by
Steve Miner):
Now this is more like it. The Curse of Michael Myers left a taste in
fans’ mouths so sour, the only thing that could have possibly washed it out is
the return of Jamie Lee Curtis. We finally got what we wished for. Is it
everything we hoped it would be? No, of course not. If we got everything we
wanted, it would have included a title card that said “written and directed by
John Carpenter.” To be honest, we didn’t even get the next best thing—we got
the director of Friday the 13th: Part 3D—but he does a damn good job.
What Miner’s film lacks in solid storytelling, it makes up for in sheer gusto.
The pacing of H20 is brisk and entertaining, topping out at less than 90
minutes.
The film picks up outside of Haddonfield,
with Michael inexplicably turning up to raid the filing room of the late Dr.
Loomis’ nurse, who we recognize from the first two films. It’s a darn good
cameo to put us in the right mood, right before the setting shifts to
California. I suppose it was inevitable for the series to finally take place in
the state that always stood in for Illinois, with all its green leaves and palm
trees in October. This is where Laurie lives now, assuming the name of Keri
Tate, living as the headmistress of a posh private school where Josh Hartnett
is her son, who is dating Michelle Williams from Dawson’s Creek, and LL
Cool J is her security guard. All of this sounds like a “two rabbis walk into a
bar” joke, but that’s what you get in a post-Scream Halloween sequel.
(Not surprisingly, the film was executive produced by Kevin Williamson, who
also did uncredited rewrites.)
You may never hear me say this about
another film, but H20 moves too fast to suck. There’s a self awareness
to the material that suggests an understanding between Steve Miner, Jamie Lee
Curtis, and the core group of fans they wanted to bring back into the fold with
this collaborative love letter. They keep things interesting in the early
scenes by populating the screen with a fun cast—LL Cool J in particular almost
steals the show from Curtis—and setting up a final act that is just about
perfect. They know exactly why we paid to see this: We want to see Laurie kick
Michael’s ass. So when she locks herself behind the school gates, walks into
that perfect key-lighting with the familiar theme swelling up from the
undercurrent, carrying an axe and sporting 20 years of repressed pissed off,
when she screams “MICHAEL!”… It’s not even a conscious choice. We cheer our
asses off, because dammit, they earned it.
8/10
Halloween: Resurrection (2002, directed by
Rick Rosenthal):
When the cheers following the Highlander ending of Halloween: 20
Years Later had died down, someone had the bright idea of making another
one of these things. Jamie Lee Curtis agreed to return on one condition: that
they kill off Laurie Strode to pave the way for new characters in the “new
millennium.” So watch with a sour stomach as the emotional crutch who took us
through 20 years of bad sequels gets gut-knifed and cast aside before the
opening title card. That is, if you can make it beyond the explanation given
for Michael not being dead without wanting to punch a baby. You ready for this?
When we begin Resurrection, Laurie
is in a mental institution because she killed a man, and it wasn’t Michael
Myers. Somehow, a lone paramedic sent in to check Michael’s body poked the
sleeping bear, and got his windpipe crushed. Michael switched clothes with him
and wandered off the property undetected, carrying a giant knife, according to
the flashback footage. Sigh. To hit the high points: 1) You happen to know
anyone who survived a crushed windpipe? Me either. Because people don’t survive
that. They either suffocate within minutes or drown in their own blood. 2) If
the man in the body bag in the back of that van wasn’t Michael, how did he
survive smashing through a windshield, being hit at high velocity by a van, and
getting pinned to a tree? 3) If the man behind the mask wasn’t Michael, once he
reached up and realized he was wearing a Halloween mask—let me take a breath
for this one—WHY DIDN’T HE JUST TAKE IT OFF?! I mean, he just clutches at it
like a lunatic and does nothing about it?? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?
They have not invented the words necessary
to describe the annals of pissed off I treaded back in 2002. But did I leave
the theater? Nope. Not even when I realized the star of this new Halloween
film was Busta Rhymes, a man that looks like he was crossbred with a shark, who
ironically refers to Michael Myers as a killer shark. He plays the producer of
a reality TV show set in the Myers house on Halloween night,
called—ugh—Dangertainment. There is not enough migraine medicine in the world.
Even the promising multi-camera gimmick is wasted because of the
intelligence-insulting setup, and a new female lead (Bianca Kajlich) whose
acting makes Kristin Stewart look like Meryl Streep. She was cast for two
reasons: Her lips. Because if she sucks as hard in private life as she does
when she’s “acting,” it’s no wonder she got the job.
1/10
Halloween (2007, directed by
Rob Zombie):
Another remake that no one asked for, but at least it wasn’t produced by
Michael Bay. Rob Zombie’s Halloween makes the mistake early on of taking
the easy way out by attempting to explain Michael Myers’ psychological baggage
in the best way he knows how: White trash family dysfunction, of course. While
we can certainly understand that being gay-bashed by a crippled William
Forsythe would require years of therapy, Zombie’s take on the material reduces
Michael Myers to being little more than a problem child, acting out in an
environment that seeks to oppress and belittle him. So it’s only fitting that
he winds up being Tyler Mane, who tops out at 7-feet-tall and certainly doesn’t
need a mask of any kind to scare the jeebus-creebus out of someone.
Ironically, it’s these early scenes in the
film that work the best. Even if Daeg Faerch really is a little too sweet and
feminine looking as a young Michael Myers, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t do
a good job playing him. Basically, he happened to fit Zombie’s compulsive need
to transpose a version of himself onto at least half of his characters. Why
else would most of the characters have long hair, goth fashions, and long
beards? Meeting two of those criteria is Malcolm McDowell, a casting choice no
one ever even thought about arguing with, because he is awesome as this version
of Dr. Loomis, which is a far more narcissistic take, painting him as more of
an opportunist than an idealist.
Where the film falls short is in the later
passages, which are just a condensed and more graphic remake of the original.
It’s like Zombie took only half of John Carpenter’s advice about “making it his
own.” It’s a shame, too, because what does work here, really works. The
sequence when young Michael nonchalantly decides to murder his family is both
harrowing and disturbing, shot and cut with the precision of a truly gifted
director. But the defining moment of the film, when Michael returns home after
15 years to retrieve the mask he hid beneath the floor boards, and he slides it
on with the classic theme kicking in, that was truly awesome. Rob Zombie earned
that moment. If only he hadn’t already used the Halloween theme earlier
in the film at a rather inappropriate time, it might’ve made it worth the
wait.
6/10
Halloween II (2009, directed by
Rob Zombie):
There’s really only one way to go into Rob Zombie’s Halloween II, and
that’s with the understanding that you will be watching trash. Pure,
exploitation trash. On that level, not only does it work, but it’s almost
profound in its ability to push the boundaries of what’s acceptable to the
typical slasher audience. From the first moments that pick up after the last
film’s riveting finale, we see the coroners are driving Michael’s body down a
stretch of rural highway having a conversation about necrophilia that’s filmed
so deliberately over the top, it’s not long before we realize we are finally
watching a Rob Zombie film. He finally did “make it his own.” If you’re a fan
of The Devil’s Rejects, this is your time to rejoice. If you think
everything Rob Zombie touches turns to poison, why are you even reading?
This entire film is an exercise in pushing
excess to the point of black comedy. The first time I watched it, I felt like
the kills were overlong to the point of oppression. Upon revisiting it, I’m
finally in on the joke. Watch the pointlessly vicious stabbings that seem to
stretch on longer than the stargate sequence in 2001 with the same
perspective you would approach the violence in a Sam Raimi film, and it starts
to make sense. The longer it goes on, the funnier it becomes. In fact, some
sequences in Halloween II are so efficient in their riotous grotesquery
that they only require a single shot, such as when the bearded, maskless
Michael is feasting on the remains of a dog. Substitute a sunset in the
background and he could be John Wayne in a western. He looks content and
downright stoic, as if he’s daring you to get pissed off at him for killing a
dog when he just laid waste to three human beings for no reason. I’m sorry, but
that is f**king hilarious.
Where this film loses people is in its
approach to two things: 1) Laurie, played again by Scout Taylor Compton, is a
bitch. She removes herself from our sympathies entirely, which I’m still
deciding is either a bold move or foolishly stupid. 2) The psychedelic white
horse motivation is in direct contrast to the nature/nurture debate stance
Zombie took the first time. I can’t say I completely agree with this critique.
The first film was told largely from the perspective of Dr. Loomis—from the
outside, looking in. Not to mention, it was far more audience friendly, a
comfort zone that is certainly not comfortable for Rob Zombie. This time, we
are completely in Michael’s head. I’m not saying this white horse crap makes
any more or less sense, but I don’t think it’s a glaring contradiction just
because the first film laid out a different take. Whether or not this new angle
works for you, with its unexpected side dish of psycho-screwy Ken Russell
imagery, is entirely a matter of taste. Halloween II has none. It’s
brutally funny, just plain brutal, and shows that Rob Zombie plays more in tune
when he’s riding solo.
7/10
- Blake O. Kleiner