Cinematic Releases: Night At The Museum - Secret of the Tomb

Ben Stiller and his crew of museum displays make a return to theaters just in time for Christmas.

"I thought this flashlight would help me
find my career. Nope. No luck."

The Night At The Museum franchise gets a third disastrous entry this week with a dire and joyless ninety minutes that makes the last two seem like Citizen Kane. Secret of the Tomb is a painful watch that throws gas and a match on Stiller's already flailing comic career. It's hard to picture a time when Stiller would make great artistic films like Permanent Midnight in lieu of generic cash soaking movies like these. But that's where he's at. Secret of the Tomb is a faulted and barren wasteland of soulless performances from a cast that should have known better than to dedicate any time to such a repetitive, effects laden, and totally stiff movie with no semblance of originality. 

Walking out during a movie is always a tough decision. But Secret of the Tomb gave me numerous reasons to get up and make a bee line for the exit sign (even though I never did). First off, this is supposed to be a movie aimed at kids. The urine humor, the in jokes aimed at adults, and the untalented Rebel Wilson's lack of a comedic backbone will make children uncomfortable and will possibly confuse them. It's 2014 and we're still making Dirty Dancing jokes? Really? Who in the hell is writing this crap and why do they make more money than I do? Secondly, why just make the same movie again? Do something original. Make Stiller likeable. Use the cast to their full ability instead of constantly barraging audiences with this heartless and disposable story.

"You say movie take film
back to stone age. Down I am."
The only scene that was mildly entertaining was the Indiana Jones-like beginning. Audiences are treated to an awesome looking and tonally correct 5 minutes of adventurous Egyptian fun. From then on, Secret of the Tomb slides into a deep dark cavern of unbelievable line delivery, terrible scripting, unrealistic dialogue between characters, a plot laid out by a five year old, and a truly heartbreaking farewell to Robin Williams. He deserved so much more than this. Other than that, the only real joy and livelihood that comes from the movie is a performance from Dan Stevens (The Guest). He plays a silly version of Sir Lancelot with spunk and charm while never becoming annoying like the rest of these bored and worn out actors. 

Pardon my language. But, Secret of the Tomb is the perfect definition of dreck. Families will be disappointed with this third entry in the money making franchise. Sadly, I watched two sets of parents with children walk out of this bombastic CGI festival of incongruent crap. Stiller looks tired, Rebel Wilson sucks, Robin Williams is visibly sad, the jokes are stale, and the movie is just a total bomb of epic proportions. Save your money for Christmas presents instead of wasting any hard earned cash on one of the worst movies of 2014 and the lowest career achievement for a non-funny, unenthused Ben Stiller. 

The heavy handed passing of the torch moment is just the beginning of a long line of spin off movies that will continue to bombard cinemas with more pointless garbage. Do me a favor. Just kill me.