Cinematic Releases: The Boy Next Door

As the first dumping ground month wraps up, audiences are given The Boy Next Door.

"Bitch. You can't act."
This week we're a little behind on one of our cinematic reviews. But we just couldn't pass up the chance to opt in on Jennifer Lopez pulling a Kevorkian on her dwindling career. 

One time box office champ, Jennifer Lopez, stars in one of the worst and most tragic domestic thrillers to ever hit cineplexes. From her airbrushed makeup, to Moonlighting-esque softening techniques, to dialogue my kindergarten age daughter could write, The Boy Next Door is solid proof of how absolutely out of touch Lopez is with her audience. With laughably bad line delivery, stagnant storytelling and some of the worst casting decisions ever made, this cinematic blasphemy should have been taken out back for a couple shots to the head and chest. 

Stealing from every other domestic style erotic thriller to ever grace the after midnight viewing selection on Cinemax, The Boy Next Door is a grating, soulless endeavor that turns the talented John Corbett into a blank faced every-man that's shown up by three other untalented leads that do nothing but annoy. Former chick flick star, Jennifer Lopez looks like a bedazzled clown with pounds and pounds of makeup caked on her typically pretty face as she stands around trying to convince audiences that she can act. Sorry honey, you're annoying, have no screen presence, and have not endured well. It's time to move on. Acting is not for you. 

Sitting through this trash realizing that someone spent millions of dollars on this thing is mind baffling and troubling evidence that Hollywood has no idea what they're doing. How this bumbled script ever got approved for financing is even more disturbing. There is not one ounce of creativity in The Boy Next Door. The character's motivations are confused, cheesy, and absolutely contrived. The direction is nonexistent and the editing is horrendously choppy. Every second of the movie is more predictable than the after effects of a bucket of greasy popcorn and 40 ounces of icy cold, cherry cola flavored high fructose corn syrup. Yes, it's that ugly. 

"But...but I starred in The Cell.
Doesn't that count for something?!!!"
Jennifer Lopez should be ashamed of this dreck. There was a time when she was box office gold. She even helped bring theatrical gems like Gigli and Jersey Girl to the screen (wink wink). If she's going to continue tainting theaters with crap like this, she should take her millions of dollars and retire to some distant island so audiences don't ever have to see her over emphasized ass and blatantly painted face ever again. The Boy Next Door is the type of tripe that might be considered a career killer to lesser known actors. 

The Boy Next Door gets the worst score we hand out. It's that bad. Try watching Madonna act for a few hours with toothpicks jammed in your eyelids while a scratched Nickelback album plays in the background . It'll be more entertaining than this latest Lopez vehicle.