New To Blu: Ouija

Didn't mommy warn you not to play with these things?

"But, this movie is making me cry.
I'm so much prettier than this."
Too bad she didn't worn you about this movie. 

Pretty chicks in heavy makeup and dudes with perfect hair have the worst luck in 2014's horrendous horror flick, Ouija. Much like every other domestic genre entry in the past decade, the story is weak and the scares are hammy. Despite its relatively talented cast, the movie falters under a typical screenplay that hinders on absolute failure. And did I mention how good looking everyone is? Yup. They're really cute until they start spouting off some of the worst dialogue this side of Michael Bay's last wet dream. 

Last year brought about some awesome genre flicks. But, this is a cinematic abomination that does nothing new except try to cash in on much better scary movies of the past couple years. Little embarrassing hints of Insidious and other various other nods are scattered about to convince stupid viewers that this is really a scary movie. Audiences are treated to shoddy jump scares, constant scenes of needless explanation, and standard horror lighting. Through darkened rooms, blue hues, and sound effects straight out of every haunting movie you've seen before, Ouija quickly becomes a harebrained comedy at the expense of a bad script and a director that should be ashamed of himself. Honestly, I've seen Taco Bell commercials that are scarier than this. Remember the first ad for the Crunchwrap? Yes sir. That totally freaked me out. 

"Loooookk....into my eye.
Tell me what you see.
No wait!!!! Don't."
The characters are unbelievable, emotionless, engage in brainlessly stupid actions, and have a hard time making one proper decision. Director Stiles White can't even harness one second of natural dialogue from Olivia Cooke or Douglas Smith. Furthermore, Ouija is about as superficial as they come. Wrapped around an awful setup and more ridiculously inane casting where thirty year old actors are playing high-schoolers, Ouija can't even be considered camp. Through and through, it's just dumb. 

The bastardization of the horror genre continues with this blatantly terrible low budget entry about a Ouija board with a bad attitude. The tone is nonexistent from the start as actresses do their best to out-bitch each other with repetitious scenes of catty dialogue and total disregard for how unrealistic they sound. Typical tropes are once again explored as this non-scary feature film further proves how tediously bad most movies about Ouija boards are. The Parker Brothers are gonna be pissed. Beware their wrath.