Heroic jet pilot. Former President. Alien destroyer. Thomas Whitmore speaks with The Movie Sleuth.
TMS: The Movie Sleuth recently had a chance to sit down with former President Thomas Whitmore. Whitmore was the leader of the U.S. during the alien invasion of 1996. Fortunately, Russell Case, a jet fighter pilot (who shall remain nameless), and some other guy saved the planet from certain doom. Mr. Whitmore, what can you tell us about your personal battle against aliens?
TW: I’m not sure how much of that information is still classified but let’s just say, never underestimate the power of the Schwartz.
TMS: People love your motivational speeches. Would you be willing to do it all over again and who wrote that epic pre-battle monologue?
TW: That day, there wasn’t any writing involved. I just winged it, but let’s get one thing straight. If I were to do it again, I wouldn’t just do it for the money. I’d do it for a shit load of money.
TMS: Your wife was killed during the alien invasion. You were recently remarried. How are things with your new wife and would you say anything is different between the dead one and the alive one? I bet she’s younger and hotter.
TW: Of course she is. You think I would land in the same bear trap twice? However that is a mistake, I am happy to say, that I don’t have to live with. When I met my new wife, I was like “Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?”
TMS: If you could change anything, would you? And how would modern technology change the way that battle was won? Would the latest upgrades in computer virus software render that plan utterly useless? Also, what’s your favorite retail anti-virus software?
TW: To tell you the truth, I’m amazed that shit worked in the first place. The guy who came up with it worked for a cable company back when they were just providing HBO and not buying out movie studios. Now every cable guy thinks he’s a Druish princess. That’s just what we need. As for anti-virus software, bitch please, I use Mac. Who needs it?
TMS: Tell us a little bit about Russell Case. Was he really as dumb as he looked?
TW: You tell me. I only knew him a day before he went kamikaze and saved the world. One of his home movies got released on YouTube, though. I don’t wanna say too much but Rupert Murdoch made an uncredited cameo. If word about that gets around that this was the guy who saved the world, there’s gonna be a lot of frightened people out there.
TMS: Who does your hair? Throughout the entire alien invasion, the explosion of the White House, and various other battle sequences, your hair looked awesome. Is it hard to be so cool?
TW: There’s a reason why girls in the '80s used Aqua Net hairspray to make their up-dos touch the damn ceiling. That stuff can deflect bullets. As President, it’s not a fashion statement; it’s a gunfire deterrent. And it does not vanish without a fight. Nowadays I’m much more relaxed in my style. You get tired of wearing suits. Lately I’ve gone to plaid.
TMS: If the aliens ever invade again, what would be different? Would we be prepared to fight back? And how should people prepare? You know, sometimes sequels can happen…even in real life.
TW: Well I can assure you that computer virus crap won’t work again. You guys can prepare by using your smartphones for something other than cat videos. As war horses like me head into the nursing homes, we’ll just be praying you’re as smart as we all hope you are. Alien invasions aren’t a princess cruise, and those bastards are ugly when they’re angry. Nuke the bastards.
TMS: Last but not least, if a movie of your life were being made, who would play you and who would you choose to direct?
TW: Anyone but Michael Bay. Once you’ve seen the world explode, the fake stuff gets boring pretty quick, even if it is intercut with a lot of gratuitous ass shots of hot women doing hot things. Give me a Spielberg or that Roland Emmerich guy. They blow stuff up good. And who should play me is a no brainer. Channing Tatum. You’ve seen Magic Mike, well this is Magic Whitmore. All the ladies want these abs. Check please.
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-Blake O. Kleiner
This is a satirical piece that does not mean to infringe on any copyrights.