Reviews: Lake Placid vs Anaconda

The low brow Lake Placid vs Anaconda will be available on DVD and streaming services on August 4th. 

"Look at that awesome CGI!!
Oh, the joys of the advancements
in technology!"
With a title like Lake Placid vs Anaconda you would expect nothing less than exactly that – a giant crocodile facing off with a giant snake. Well, the joke’s on us, because if that’s what you came for we get hardly any of that. Taking two of what I consider to be frightening, entertaining, and guilty pleasure movies, Lake Placid (1999) and Anaconda (1997) and combining them, we are given a film that even the ‘90s Syfy channel wouldn’t show…who am I kidding? They just did.

“But wait, isn’t Robert Englund in this!? It’s gotta be so bad it’s good, right?” 

Wrong. Robert Englund, obviously the only person who can, ya know, act, plays the town drunkard who knows the land and the crocodiles within it. Lake Placid has now accepted the giant crocks into its habitat, but citizens are very cautious so, by putting electric fences around them, the town can now go about their merry way by splitting Lake Placid into two lakes, Clear Lake and Black Lake. Gee, I wonder which one the crocodiles live in? Without any exposition or tie-in to ‘99 Lake Placid or ’97 Anaconda, you are expected to be automatically invested in this stale plot. Robert Englund got paid to do what he does best, be Robert Englund. His role in what could have been a ridiculously awesome monster flick was the only thing keeping my eyes on the TV. Sadly, even Englund was underused.

"That's it. I'm gonna sit here
and drink until they announce
a new Freddy movie.
Gonna be a while...."
Lake Placid vs. Anaconda couldn’t save itself from looking awful either. If you can’t afford good CGI, then at least make it over-the-top enough to be amusing. The reptiles looked like Playstation 1 full motion video and none of the actors knew how to pretend to be scared. Director A. B. Stone got the bare minimum out of his actors and it shows because there are so many reused shots. ADR is clumsily dumped into most scenes, opting for stupid jokes instead of meaningful dialogue. I would rather have silence. Better yet, turn this off. Lake Placid vs., Anaconda is a waste of everyone’s time, but there are boobs! Wherever this was shot was gorgeous, but the cinematographer didn’t seem to care. 

All I could think of while watching this movie is I that would rather be camping there. Oh, and what am I going to make for dinner? What are my cats up to? Did I get the mail? I feel like Oliver Platt’s character Hector in Lake Placid. Respect the dragon.