Cinematic Releases: Bloodsucking Bastards

Bloodsucking Bastards is now in limited release and on VOD. Read our blood curdling review.

"I can't even imagine the comments
Donald Trump would have about this picture."

For some reason, trying to make an amalgamation of Office Space and horror simply doesn't work. Bloodsucking Bastards is a soulless, humorless, painfully insipid piece of dumbed down comedy that will suck the life from each viewer that woefully tries to watch this dire cinematic effort. Like jamming needles in my eyes isn't bad enough, Bloodsucking Bastards takes aim but quickly loses sight as each and every joke is a misfire worthy of this review. It's hard to imagine there is one single person on the face of the planet that will find any value in the cheap looking, awfully timed bit of what appears to be satire.

Trying to reproduce many of the tones from Office Space, Bloodsucking Bastards is an absolute miss that never even comes close to one funny joke. Despite a few scenes of satisfying bloodshed, the movie tries way too hard and fails miserably at every single turn. With Cabin in the Woods star Fran Kranz leading the abysmal charge backed up by the beautiful Emma Fitzpatrick and a cast of actors that couldn't be less funny, Bloodsucking Bastards is more uncomfortable than watching your own mother in a porno. Stealing direct plot points from other far greater films and further nixing any semblance of comedy with terrible actors sends this thing right to the bottom of the barrel of 2015. Bloodsucking Bastards looks like a cheap, dimly lit television show from beginning to end, only trumped by uncomfortably bad dialogue and actors that suck.

If you're going to try to mix Shaun of the Dead with that previously mentioned office comedy, you better be on point or this is exactly what happens. You get reviews like this one. Bloodsucking Bastards should have been called A Soul Eating Ninety Minutes That You Just Wasted Money On. It's hard for me to stress how bad this thing is without starting to have heart palpitations. I honestly cannot believe anyone in their right mind thought there was anything creative or well written enough to make a project out of this lowly devised script or idea. This is bottom rung, direct to VOD trash that belongs nowhere near a cinema or your living room.

I've really enjoyed Fran and Emma in other projects. Sadly, this is a blood saturated red mark on their resumes. Bloodsucking Bastards is a ten wipe cinematic turd ready to be flushed.

Score

-CG

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