New To Blu: Arrow Video's Microwave Massacre

New to Blu today is the cult classic Microwave Massacre!
Available now from Arrow Video!

If there was ever a movie that must have been produced from start to finish under the influence of opiates, it's Wayne Berwick's Microwave Massacre. It's been a long time since I thought, "What were they thinking?" so loud and so often that I had to turn up the sound -- my thoughts were blocking out the insanity. This is definitely not a good movie, but if you've ever looked in the mirror and said to yourself, "Before I die, I need to watch a movie where the voice of Frosty the Snowman goes Cannibal Holocaust on hookers," then this is the movie for you.

It's hard to even describe this movie in any conceivable detail without lapsing into utter shock that it was even made, let alone exists on such a pristinely transferred blu-ray from Arrow. Film grain is perfectly rendered and noise levels are very clean as the opening credits play over a pair of bouncing breasts. The audio transfer is better than this movie deserves, highlighting just how awful and cheap the sound design is -- the foley work has all the trademarks of a drunk college film. The jubilant tone is cheesier than Chicago pizza and just as greasy, fitting right in with the film's shamelessly chauvinist attitude, and punctuated by music that wouldn't feel out of place in Deep Throat. There's fourth wall breaks aplenty, shoddy mannequin parts, oh, and boobs. Lots of boobs. Blonde boobs, brunette boobs, hooker boobs, and pretty sure the last pair filled some affirmative action quota. 

The box description for this impeccably clean Arrow blu-ray treatment would have you believe that Microwave Massacre is some depraved gore fest. It's not in the slightest. Oh, it's certainly depraved, but this is a tits and ass-fueled comedy, occasionally delightful in its political incorrectness. It just happens to have cannibalism. If it were to be taken for its gore effects alone, Microwave Massacre would be a contender for one of the most poorly crafted films ever made. There's a severed head prop that wouldn't pass muster in the bargain bin at a Spirit Halloween store, and at once point I swear you could see the locking joints that would've attached the arms to the rest of the mannequin.

If this is her idea of eating her out, I'm not sure I like it.

But it's all in good fun, and that's what it boils down to. Are you liable to have a good time watching Microwave Massacre? If you abandon and any all attachments to good taste, yes, you're bound to laugh a lot. Once you get past the opening act, which plays so disjointed and blind to pacing you'd swear that a six year old redheaded stepchild with a concussion cut most of it while the real editor was dropping a deuce behind the garage. After that, the movie finds a crazy rhythm that sort of works, keying off Jackie Vernon's gleefully over the top acting. He delivers every line as if rehearsing for Barney the Unhappily Married and Hopelessly Jaded Purple Dinosaur.

If you can get your hands on the Arrow blu-ray, it's worth the price just for the documentary about the process of making this polished turd. After 90 minutes of wondering what they were thinking, it was refreshing to have that question answered in high style. And I do mean high style. Because there's no way drugs were not in heavy use. But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. Now pass me one of those special brownies.


- Blake O. Kleiner

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