VOD Releases: Evil Nanny (2016) - Reviewed

Company logos shouldn’t be the determining factor in making or breaking a film, but by now you probably have come to realize Asylum Entertainment and the Lifetime Movie Network aren’t generally regarded as benchmarks of quality filmmaking.  To make matters worse, you know you’re in really deep shit when your film is directed by none other than frequent trash peddler Jared Cohn.  The same man behind the abysmal and offensive Jamie Kennedy vehicle Buddy Hutchins as well as the Christploitation flick God’s Club, Mr. Cohn inexplicably continues to garner work within the straight to video industry excreting out inept fecal matter masquerading as something suitable for the shelves of Family Video. 

His latest unwanted turd comes in the form of Evil Nanny, an Asylum production made for television about a family who inadvertently hires the nanny from Hell who won’t leave even after being fired.  Starring Lindsay Elston as the titular Evil Nanny who proceeds to make husband/wife couple Fay (Nicole Sterling) and Tim (Matthew Pohlkamp) prisoners in their own home, the film loosely draws it’s outrageous premise from the true story of Diane Stretton dubbed the “nightmare nanny” from California 2014 who more or less squatted in the family’s home after being terminated of her employment.  Reducing the age of the perpetrator from a 64 year old woman to a twenty something blonde, the true story already sounds more fascinating than this cheap dreck which stumbles over every murderous bad girl cliché in the book.

Wanting to be in league with the likes of Curtis Hanson’s The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Evil Nanny is a cheap exploitation flick that all but bulldozes over the story which inspired it’s creation with one absurd incredulity after another.  When it isn’t serving up dreadful acting and a surprise finale that all but soils the bed harder than any film I can remember doing within the last five years, Evil Nanny fails to engage by peddling cheap tropes that are beyond prehistoric and worn out.  Not to mention both it and God’s Club flaunt the director’s penchant for CGI rendered fire and explosions, making an opening prologue of an orphanage being burned down all the more unintentionally hilarious as obviously photoshopped flames are hastily pasted over the footage. 

Most of the reviews vying for more festering dog vomit from Mr. Cohn will argue, well, it’s based on a true story so that gives it solidarity.  Whatever truth there was in the real event has all but been crushed out of this movie.  True or false, Evil Nanny like Cohn’s aforementioned features I had the displeasure of sitting through, his films have the uncanny knack of inciting anger from yours truly while watching.  Something about the movies of his I’ve seen somehow place him in a camp even lower than the likes of Uwe Boll or even Tommy Wiseau because at least they don’t make bones about what kind of movies they make.  The sad thing is it is safe to say this will not be the last we’ve seen from this guy.

- Andrew Kotwicki