Cinematic Releases: Pompeii

on
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Mastermind of mediocrity, Paul W.S. Anderson moves away from the Resident Evil franchise to give us something even worse. It's called Pompeii and it's a human calamity far greater than the real life disaster of 79 AD. Run for the exits or you might get burned by a lack of dialogue, badly rendered effects, and a romance that's directly stolen from a little movie called Titanic. Tell me Joey, ever heard of a thing called plagiarism?

"Has anyone seen Russell Crowe?"
Pompeii boldly erupts lava, silly gladiator battles, and a corny love story all over the big screen while it steals and mangles parts from twenty other far better movies. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery. But theft is always theft. Whoever glued this mess together should be caged with a bunch of sweaty men waiting to do battle with a legion of trained swordsmen before being eaten by a blood thirsty tiger. 

If you see this one, do the 3d because its the best thing about the movie, and that's not saying much. This version of Pompeii is a by the books love story mixed with predictable action sequences, tons of destruction and a lead actor that barely mumbles more than twenty lines throughout his ninety minute impression of Orlando Bloom. 

"Chloe!!!! Open a socket!"
Paul W.S. Anderson squeezes in as much sword play as possible while we wait around for the oncoming onslaught of Mt. Vesuvius in all her fiery glory. Unfortunately, the studio was more focused on typical action tropes and a corny love at first sight story than they were on delivering a great disaster movie. Pompeii needed a better plot to build up to the oncoming destruction, but their final product is just another mediocre February release with little to like. But worst of all is Kiefer Sutherland's dire attempt at a British accent. And why does he have this stupid accent at all? 

When it comes to Anderson, you know what you get. The guy specializes in bringing sub-par popcorn fare to the screen with no shame or forgiveness for his lack of talent. With a little more attention paid to BIG details like plot development and script, Pompeii could have been a contender for this year's best disaster movie. What we ended up with is a movie more focused on imitation than creation, which ends up making this an embarrassment and a disappointment all around.


- Review by Chris George