Chris Jordan digs through the new sequel in the Tremors saga.
I was starting to get worried that the graboids – those giant sandworms
with the tentacles and three-point jaws – had gone extinct. There hadn’t been a
confirmed sighting in over a decade, since 2004’s Tremors 4: The Legend Begins; surely enough time to at least put
them on the critically endangered list. But as it turns out, they’re alive and
well after all. They were just hibernating, waiting to be awakened by the
rumbling sounds of nostalgia for ‘80s and ‘90s horror. Perhaps it was the loud
stomping of Jurassic World that woke
them up, or the big commotion surrounding the Ghostbusters reboot. Whatever the reason, the subterranean beasties
have decided that the time is right to relaunch their series. Michael Gross is
even back as the graboids’ nemesis, gung-ho survivalist Burt Gummer.
Unfortunately, what isn’t back is the quality of writing that made (most of)
the series so much fun. There certainly are worse straight-to-video horror
flicks out there this Halloween, but Tremors
5: Bloodlines is not the triumphant return that the beloved franchise
deserves.
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| "On this episode of Graboids vs. Food..." |
The first red flag that something may be amiss is the fact that this is
the only entry in the series – including the short-lived Sci-Fi Channel show –
to not be written by franchise co-creators Brent Maddock and S.S. Wilson. No
matter how goofy and dumb the past sequels got, those two always brought a
clever, witty, self-aware sense of humor to the films that at least made them
endearingly tongue-in-cheek. Earlier this year when we wrote our Gremlins vs. Critters vs. Tremors
movie battle, we unanimously gave Tremors
the victory, calling it “a deceptively smart movie that plays very dumb, with
hilarious results.” Tremors 5 is just
very dumb. I have a major soft spot for this series: I like Tremors 2 nearly as much as the
original, and while Tremors 3 is
extremely goofy and cheesy, I really enjoy it as a guilty pleasure. That said,
I found this latest sequel extremely trying at some points.
It at least begins with a pretty funny (and fairly logical) update to
our returning main character’s life: Burt Gummer is now the host of a Man vs. Wild-ish reality show. These
early scenes are probably the funniest and most inspired, as Michael Gross’s
deadpan humor brings some good laughs to a right-on parody of self-serious
reality TV. But then we meet his camera guy, obnoxious Steve-O-ish bro Jamie
Kennedy (yes, a little-advertised straight-to-video sequel really is where his career
is at right now), and we start to get the feeling that this could be a long
movie. Knowing how much snarky genre satire the previous Tremors films had, I had hopes that Bloodlines might prove to be a satire of reality shows, done partly
as a mockumentary. But no, this angle promptly takes a back-seat to a plot that
is little more than a paint-by-numbers re-tread of Tremors 2.
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| "Hey Kennedy, aren't you supposed to know a thing or two about formulaic horror movies?" |
One would have thought that in the intervening decade some writer
(preferably Brent Maddock and S.S. Wilson) would have thought of something new
for this series to do; some compelling reason to bring Burt back for another
story. At least all three previous sequels had something different to offer. Tremors 2 was basically just another
monster flick, but it came up with some really cool and unexpected twists about
what the new creatures were and what they could do. Tremors 3 got some good comic mileage out of Burt having to come to
terms with his cult celebrity status when he just wants to keep his reclusive
lifestyle. And while Tremors 4 being basically
the same as the first one except in the Old West felt slightly desperate, it at
least switched up the formula. This one is literally just like a greatest-hits
compilation of recycled scenes from past movies, with a plot that does nothing
new. They could have taken a cue from a certain other late-in-a-franchise
sequel called Bloodline and set this
one in outer space and I would have been happier. If they couldn’t do something
really new, or at least make it really good in its own right, why bother?
When Tremors 5 gets down to
business it at least manages to give us some fun monster attack scenes. The
revamped creatures all look really cool in their designs (the updated “ass
blasters” look downright awesome), and the movie is at its most fun when it
goes into Big Dumb Monster Flick mode. But even then, at this point we’ve seen
just about all the variations on what the series’ creatures can do, so most of
these scenes will basically just have you thinking, “ah, I remember when this
happened in Tremors (insert number here).”
There are a few moments when this movie’s baddies stand on their own, but most
sequences are little more than fun but familiar. There is one other thing that
is fairly disappointing about these creatures: they are almost 100% CGI. They
look pretty good: slightly rough around the edges here and there, but generally
solid for a low-budget flick like this, and certainly better than something
like Sharknado. It’s just
disappointing to not see any noticeable practical effects at all (not even for
the graboid tentacles) when they were such a huge part of the previous films’
charm.
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| "Wheeeeeee!" |
The use of CGI monsters is understandable, though, for a low-budget
film in this era. What isn’t understandable, and what ultimately does the film
in, is its really bad script. In addition to recycling the plot from a past Tremors film, it is totally lacking the
series’ signature sense of humor. Instead of the clever, tongue-in-cheek
genre-skewering that the series is known for, this script thinks it is being
witty to directly quote, point-blank, some well-known scene from Jaws or Jurassic Park or Die Hard.
This isn’t even done in any remotely clever way; it’s just “hey guys, that line
was from Die Hard – get it? Isn’t it
cool that we referenced a movie that’s cool?” Most of the script’s humor is at
this same fairly low level, with entirely too many pee jokes and things of that
caliber. There are times when it is downright embarrassing.
Aside from Burt, only one main character (Pearl Thusi’s South African veterinarian)
is likable or interesting. Beyond that, the newcomers are little more than
sketches or caricatures, and at least a couple are very irritating. The movie’s
stock Unscrupulous Rich Guy character is bizarrely reminiscent of Matt Berry’s parody
of Unscrupulous Rich Guy characters on The
IT Crowd, only no humor is intended; the character is just such a
self-parody that it resembles an actual parody. But by far the worst is Jamie
Kennedy, as a character who is clearly intended as endearingly buffoonish comic
relief, but just comes off as an intolerable jerk who’s miserable to be around.
His character is here to recreate the comic double-act of straight-man Burt and
a goofy loose-cannon foil, which both Tremors
2 and Tremors 3 pulled off quite
well. But that doesn’t work when the foil is an absolute tool who sucks the
humor out of most scenes. Michael Gross is still as great as ever; his lines
aren’t as funny, but his performance is right-on. Too bad he has to carry the
movie himself: with so little help, all he can do is make it as less-bad as
possible. He’s the only shining light in a script that is so dumb and juvenile
that I counted about half a dozen gags about guys peeing in the desert.
I’m not trying to be unfairly harsh to Tremors 5, and I certainly didn’t go into it expecting to write a
review this bad. I’m a big fan of the series who still revisits even the
often-mocked Tremors 3 every now and
then, and honestly enjoys it for the silly bit of camp that it is. I thoroughly
expected this latest sequel to be a lot of fun, if not exactly award-quality
cinema. I am genuinely surprised that after a decade all Universal Studios
could scrape together is a poorly-written compilation of cover-song renditions
of the Tremors series’ greatest hits;
a film that feels more like a cash-in on nostalgia than a triumphant franchise
re-launch. It isn’t the worst straight-to-video flick you’ll find this season –
at least it’s better than The Asylum’s usual output – but it should have been so
much better than this. It has its moments that Tremors fans will enjoy, but nothing more than that. At least the
monsters look really cool, and the scenes with them are still quite a bit of
fun, even if the lack of practical effects is disappointing. Michael Gross
likewise does what he can to save the film, bringing the same deadpan sense of
humor that made Burt Gummer a classic character in the first place, and he is
able to make a few scenes work, even if the script works against him. But
ultimately a Tremors film deserves
better than to be just another bland and generic straight-to-video horror flick
with lame characters. This series used to be something special. If Universal
can learn from this film’s mistake and give the creative reigns back to Brent
Maddock and S.S. Wilson, I’d love to see the series have another actually good
entry to wash away the mediocrity of this one. But if that isn’t going to
happen, they need to let the graboids burrow off into the sunset with some of
their dignity still intact.
Score:
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