Movie Rant: The Last House

After sitting in distribution hell for several years, The Last House opens its doors this week. 

"Do we look as stupid as we act?
Yeah. probably."
Hopefully someone has some gas and a match to burn this god forsaken house to the ground.  

The Last House? What exactly does that mean? Is it supposed to be a reference to the classic Wes Craven flick? If so, poor Wes is already turning in his grave. Is it literally meant to be "the last house"? If it is the actual "last house", how exactly did that happen? Are all the other houses gone? What about apartments? Do those still exist? What about condos? Or is this really "the last house"?  

I can't even come close to answering those questions because The Last House easily qualifies as one of the worst horror movies ever put to the digital format. It's like the red headed stepchild of a cheap porno company that can't afford to pay its actresses for the penetration scenes. To call this thing horrendous is a vast understatement. Never in my life have I hated a movie this much. I'd rather watch the Fantastic Four reboot ten times over than submit myself to this kind of punishment ever again. My eyes actually began bleeding about fifteen minutes in to this crap. Did you really call your movie The Last House? No, you really didn't, did you?

"I'm sorry. This is so
bad I can't even look at you. I want my
Dogma days back."
From a nonsensical plot all the way to scenes that seem to be setting up a fetishistic porn about murder, rape, spanking and the insertion of baseball bats, this movie (if you could call it that) is an insult to the genre as a whole. Hinging on cheaply veiled exploitation, the creators of The Last House can't even commit to the ideas they're putting on screen. Instead, they jumble up the plot and jump around like a bunch of jack asses that haven't ever seen a single movie in their lives. Where's the story? Where's the plot? Why in the f---ing hell is Jason Mewes in this abomination? Where are the characters we're supposed to sympathize with? What's the point? Why did you even make this? Why do the effects look so bad? I want answers, damn it! And the puking! Oh my god. The puking!

The Last House slides from romantic make out sessions with an uncomfortable Mewes to scenes that look cheaper than the amateur section on Redtube all the way to paranormal elements and a hampered non-linear narrative that thinks it's way smarter than it is. The Last House is a shameful piece of junk that has "special features" on its dvd release. Oooh! Special features!!! Why? Are you that impressed with your digital fecal fest?  We don't need special features. In fact, we need to stop you from ever making another movie. How on earth this director thought this needed to be released instead of burned is beyond me. And where did he get the funding? If someone is handing out cash this aimlessly, I could really use some shopping money for Christmas. 

"Garlic! Do you smell it?"
At the bottom rung of the b-grade horror ladder waits The Last House waiting to be stomped by films that actually qualify as motion pictures. This isn't art. This isn't horror. This is like jamming rusted nails into my eye sockets waiting for the pain to stop. Seriously though. Sean Cain, you need to find a new career. Movies aren't your thing, dude. And to think, they changed the name from Breath Of Hate to The Last House. Why? I want my 90 minutes back. 

The funny thing is, Jason Mewes is actually really convincing in this. He deserves much better. For all that is sacred in this world, do not watch this movie. 



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